Getting to Me

Oooooookay, so how's it going you wonder? Well, this would be the spot where I brag a little.

I have now been totally laxative free for 12 weeks. I had intended to have lost about 10 kilo's by now - but thanks to the little relapses, and the severe oedema at the beginning, that hasn't happened.

But here's the good news - I have managed to lose five kilo's (five to go) and I'm not distraught. Previousy I would have had conniptions if I didn't lose massive amounts overnight.

And I am running every day!! Yes, the girl who got knackered running to the loo in the morning is now jogging/walking five k's every day. I have only missed about four days in the past three months, and even I am in shock. I mean, who knew, right?

Even when I was out fishing last weekend I was compaining 'cos it was perfect jogging weather. So what did I do? Came home and went for a run, that's what. I know, I know. You're shocked. Me too.

Life goes on, and more importantly MY life goes on, and I intend to fully participate in it!!

Jude x

Mystery solved

I have solved the 'Great Bloating Mystery'. Okay, so it's the laxatives! Yeah, I know right? Seems there's such a thing as 'rebound oedema', which usually kicks in shortly after giving up laxatives. I started swelling up about a week after I started my new healthy regimen. How did I make the link, you ask?

Well, I was soooo good for three weeks; the weight started dropping and I was improving. Then Bart returned home from NZ and filled the house with all his contraband - foods that I love, but are bad for me.

I started picking at the biscuits etc (eating disorders are like drinking problems; temptation is a killer) and what did I do? Yup, I panicked and purchased some more laxatives to purge myself. But then 'Good Judi' kicked in; I felt guilty, and threw them out. And again, one week later, my body started to swell. THAT'S when I made the connection! Brilliant huh? So it seems my weakness led to a discovery, and now that I know what will happen next time, I am even more determined to learn new habits.

I am back on my programme; still walking/jogging an hour each day, and sticking to proteins and veg/salads. I have eight more kilo's to go before I am where I would like to be, (still a bit of bloating to lose) but my attitude is changed. The guilt is gone. I appreciate my health, and will not abuse it again.

I will keep blogging as the days go by - I am excited now about my future without an eating disorder!!

With love,
Judi x

Holding strong

latest update (sorry for the delay).

My weight has gone down from 78 to 65 kilo's, so the fluid pills are working. Slowly. Only 5 more kilo's to go until I am back at the weight I was before I started bloating. Damn., damn, damn.

Good news: the kidneys and liver and both stopped leaking proteins into my system so that is sooo good. The leaking of protein is a real problem if you want to, um, live. They were talking about dialysis at one stage! I think the revamping of my diet has been a major factor. I run for an hour each day and the diet is strictly 'lean and clean', (only chicken or salmon with rocket or veg). Blus I have an oatbran porride for breakfast, (taken from the Dukan diet). Which leads to another very important point: I have now been off the laxatives for 4 weeks and 4 days! I am sooooo proud of me! I truly never thought that after 30 years of continual abuse I could stop. Usually if I bloated up, I would panic and skull up to 70 laxatives. By morning, problem solved.

Only one more test to go: the endocrinologist. On a waiting list for that. Hopefully they can clear up the last of 'The great bloating mystery'.

Jude x

Day 23

After two weeks of endless needles, blood tests, scans and echocardiograms the doctors still don't have an answer.

Just the urine test to come back, then it's off to the endocrinologist. Nobody knows why my weight went from 61 to 78 kilo's in five days!! I still think it's hormonal...

Good news on two fronts: diet and exercise. First, diet. Previously whenever I tried to eat 'normally' and weight crept on, I would totally panic and swallow up to 60 laxatives. But now I am retraining myself. I am starting with proteins, then slowly introducing greens and wholgrain breads and some fruit. I am LOVING it, and so happy to have a solution to my problem. Pity the 'experts' at the hospital at the eating disorders clinic didn't try to be more proactive in this area...

Secondly the exercise. I am still walking/jogging for an hour EVERY day. Only missed three days when my feet were too sore to stand on, let alone walk. I had to force myself outside on my sore legs, but I figured I never took my cancer lying down, so I wan't going to take this lying down either.

Onwards and upwards!

Day 15 - hangin' in there

Oookay, so I went for another walk today. Still hurts. My feet are so swollen I could barely get my running shoes on and the pressure on the instep is painful. Even tried running. That felt weird. I could feel all of the excess fluid flopping around, and my legs felt heavy. At one point I could see rain clouds hovering nearby. That's all I needed; more water! But I was feeling good about things; that is until I walked into the newsagents. He looked up and shouted, "OH MY GOD, WHAT'S HAPPENED TO YOUR FACE!" Must say, that was not a highlight. After looking at the results of my brain scan, the doctor declared that yes, I do have a brain. He chortled as though he had just created a new, brilliant joke. Still puzzled about why I am nearly double my own body weight, so two more tests this week. I will continue to eat healthfully and exercise every day. I am determined to carry on with my original programme and change my habits. Good news; for the first time in thirty years I have not had any laxatives for 15 days! Whee! Go me! Liver and kidney failure was NOT brought up in discussion in the ballet school. Who knew! If only bulimics knew the end effect, I'm sure they would change their mind quick smart... Jude x

And the tests keep 'acomin'

Sat around today looking at my sore, swollen legs, then thought, "Damn it I'm not going down without a fight," so I pulled on pair of tracky-daks and a LARGE T-shirt and went for an hour's walk. Bloody hurt too, but I did it.

Got a brain scan tomorrow, 'cos they can't explain the headaches, nor the numbness on the left side of my face.

I'm gonna release a new Barbie doll. A doll for the over 50's. I will call her "Bloated Barbie."

Jude x

Some good news; no sign in my abdomen or chest area of any spread of cancer, so that is one thing less to worry about. I have been booked for an echocardiogram next Thursday. I'm still convinced I had a stroke last year in NZ, so this will answer a lot of questions - for me anyway.

More blood tests next week (when my arms have recovered from the last lot)to double- check the liver and kidney results...

Methinks it could be the shock of coming off the laxatives, so we'll see, huh?

But I am determined to live the right way from now on; like my friend said while we were out walking last week, "Well, Judes you've tried everything except diet and exercise to keep the weight off..."

It's been so long since I lived a 'normal life', that I hardly know what it feels like now.

Funny how anorexics and bulimics can give the impression of normality - to everyone but themselves....

Jude x

More tests...

Yesterday I shook and trembled (okay, I might have shed a tear or two) as I was jabbed repeatedly with needles for my CT scan. Now I so swollen (from 60 to 74 kilo's in five days) that my veins have shrunk. I do not recognize my own face!

Back to the doc's for results this afternoon...

One good upshot of this; it sure-as-shit has scared me off the laxatives!!

Jude x

The Plot (and my ankles!) thickens

To misquote Alice,"Worser and worser..."

Some girls have all the (bad) luck. I get cancer. I conquer cancer. I have a thirty year self-esteem issue. I get over it. And just when things are looking better and I'm getting into the groove of defeating my final gremlin, my liver decides its had enough! Yup, that is why I have gained 7 kilo's in two days - my liver is not producing protein. Goody, something else to worry about.

Back for chest x-rays and a CT scan of my abdomen tomorrow (to ensure the cancer hasn't spread) and to find out just what the hell my liver thinks it's doing!

Gotta tell ya', thirty years of laxative abuse is a reeeaaally bad idea...

Guzzling tea tonight bacause tomorrow is fasting before the x-ray - good for the diet; not good for my temperament first thing in the morning. Heaven help the poor doctor who has to face me in the morning; it won't be pretty.

Felt (and looked) like the Good Year Blimp today, so no exercise. Contemplated it, but when I held up my leggings, I knew I couldn't fit into them; one leg would have used up both sides.

Fingers crossed for the tests tomorrow...

Judi x

Rough day

Today is day 8 - the first day of a new week. I was so excited; going training with Daniel - yeah, sorry Daniel, don't know why I was calling you David - but things didn't quite work out.

Started yesterday when I was out walking. Not one but BOTH my arms went completely numb! Bloody terrifying, I can tell you. Then when I got home and looked down at my legs, I could virtully see them swell right in front of my eyes. My stomach got got larger, and my ankles disappeared. Woke up 6, six, VI kilo's heavier! Arms still numb, so I panicked and went straight to the doctor. He gave me an ECG straight away and said it wasn't my heart. What he is thinking is, thanks to half my innards being removed two years ago and my age, (sob, sob) the problem is hormonal. Thank God I have an excuse for my mood swings!! Waiting for more tests to come back, but as I type this my left hand is almost completely numb; really weird...

Then the damn nurse couldn't get any blood and she kept stabbing away for 10 minutes, while I sat crying like a frightened two year-old. Yeah, like I said, bad day.

No exercise today, was feeling sorry for myself, so came home and had a nice hot bath.

Backinto it tomorrow...

Jude xx

One Week Down!

I survived the first week! Who woulda' thunk it?

And, even more amazingly, I didn't weigh myself today. THAT is a definite first!
I still feel fat and bloated, and I am desperately hoping that will change soon. Otherwise I will call in to a health food store and speak with a naturopath and see if they can help. I would hate to become despondent now and undo all the hard work so far.

While it has only been a week, it has been an eternity in the life of one Judi YOung. Every day I have forced myself to eat three meals a day, as well as do one hour's exercise. It's not been easy, but that is the whole point of this; to avoid the easy way out.

Well, one week down and nine more to go. If I feel like giving in to temptation I will remind myself to to get to the end of that particular day...

Tomorrow, another session in the park with Dave - here's hoping I don't embarrass myself too much.

Jude x

Day 6 - still strong

Made it to the end of another day, without breaking any rules: ate three regular meals, did my hour of exercise, and I'm feeling better for it. Better still, I'm not hungry - hence no craving for KFC (or Macca's, or bacon and eggs, or Dominoes...)

Only troubling thing is, my body seems to look more bloated than ever - including my usually slim legs - so I'm desperately hoping it is only a readjustment thing.

Plus, as today is Saturday, I have promised myself I will not weigh myself until Monday morning (hey, baby steps, people!)

For the first time in my life I will be happy losing one kilo per week - and that is HUGE progress for me.

One week down, and I can't believe I haven't wavered yet. Yeehaa!!

Jude x

Day 5 - what's going on?

Woke up this morning feeling great - until I made my cup of coffee. Went to lift the cup to my mouth, and my arm wouldn't function! Yup, 5 minutes of arm exercises on Monday has completely ruined my drinking arm! Washing my hair in the shower was even worse; I had to use my right arm to propel my left up to my head so I could apply the shampoo. Yeah, real sad, I know.

And worse, since Saturday I have gained 4 kilo's! What the hell's THAT about? I am panicking, at this rate I will go right up to 70 kilo's. But I will keep going: good food; exercise every day, and most importantly - no laxatives. But things better turn around REAL fast, or this chicken's gonna get pretty despondent!!!!!

If anyone has any tips, I'd love to hear 'em at this point.

One good point; although I was stiff and sore today, I still went for a brisk walk, and even managed a few short runs. Go me!


Judes x

Day 4 -no laxatives!

I made it through another day!! Yeeha! But getting veeery scared; I have put on 3 lilo's since Sat morning (Today is Thurs). Shows how my entire body system is not working.

Eating three times each day: fruit for breakfast; small home-made pizza with chicken, yoghurt and rocket for lunch, then piece of fish with rocket fro dinner. So how in the hell have I GAINED weight??? But I will see this through - I really want to see if my stomach is truly the result of laxative abuse - and more importantly - will it go back to normal size?

Went for a walk with my friend Anne, and when I got home I was in pain. After yesterday's session with the trainer, my arms hurt, my stomach hurt, and I struggles to get my thighs to function! Can only hope this gets better....

But I must say, I feel better, as though I am really partcipating in my life. What a concept!

Jude x

First training day

Today I met David for my first session. If I was in doubt before, I'm not now. It's official. I'm unfit. He went so easy on me, yet here I am back at home and my arms and legs feel numb.

Now comes the scary part; today I had two meals - very small ones (and healthy, I might add) yet even with the training, I have gained 2 kilo's since this morning. I am terrified. Usually right about now I sit and swallow a mouthful of laxatives, so that in the morning I would wake up and at least be a little lighter.

I have to be strong for one more hour until the night chemist closes. Then it will be first first night without laxatives in over thirty years!!

Then I will need all my will-power not to weigh myself until Monday night. Five days to go.

This just feels soul-destroying right now. I hope I feel better in five days.

Day one

Weight: 64.4 kilo's

Food: Fruit; chicken and salad; nuts and yoghurt

So far, no laxatives

Went for a one hour walk, and Ohhhh myyyyy Goddddd! I cannot feel my thighs! How did I get to this stage? One snippet of good news; met a lady on the walk whose husband takes a group training session in a local park, and it sounds like fun! Lots of variety, which is always good. First session is free, so I will be at Lesley Park, Bardon for my first session tomorrow at 4.15pm.

But for now, a looong bath filled with RADOX!

Diet vs Laxative challenge (five weeks)

Oh my God, it's been a year since I last wrote on this blog site....

Well, my cancer is gone;I have written a book about it, and now I am ready for my next challenge.

I have to admit I have been inspired by the television show 'The Biggest loser'. When I saw a woman who was the same age as me (50)overcoming her demons and stopping the excuses I knew I had to change.

But this story really begins last year.....

I had been abusing laxatives for over thirty years, and had gotten into such a vicious cycle of binge-eating followed by the laxatives, I didn't know how to stop. I was so terrified of putting weight on if I ate 'normally'. But I got scared; my kidneys were failing due to de-hydration and my bone mass was shrinking.

I admitted myself into a clinic at the local hospital, because all the signs showed my body was shutting down. I was, in effect, dying.

For six months I trudged along to my meeting, where I was weighed and my emotions discussed. Before I joined the programme I had gained 28 pounds - IN TWO WEEKS!!!! And that was on holiday, where I tried valiantly to eat only three square meals a day. But after so long of bingeing and purging my body clung to every calorie it could.

When I admitted myself to hospital I was desterate for help. Hell, I was dying! But they would not teach me how to eat respponsibly, and lose weight. In fact, they were totally against me losing any weight at all - even though their own figures showed I was well at the high end of my ideal weight range. So, what did I do? I went along each week and lied. And lied. I couldn't convince them that my self-image was no longer related to my self-worth.

But after watching Biggest Loser, something in me has finally snapped. I can now see there's a way to do this. So here's my plan.

1. Exercise EVERY DAY.
2. Eat only proteins, salads, veges and nuts - (with a bit of yoghurt thrown In)
3. Be content to lose only 1 kilo (2.2pounds) each week.

And that's it. I start tomorrow. I haver never tried in my life to just stick with a new life-style with exercise and sensible eating. No I was always in a big rush to lose all my weight overnight. Where has that left me? Trying to lose the same bloody thirty pounds for thirty years! How incredibly stupid and soul-destroying. The nights I never went out because there was food involved, or even worse; I wouldn't have time to purge the food I had already eaten before I went out....

So here goes, my last chance to get this right!

Will report in tomorrow.

Judi x
www.judi-young.com